To sleep perchance to dream?

   I often lay awake late at night or in early mornings waiting for my body and mind to let go of each other. I imagine a tug of war as my consciousness pulls and resists against my subconscious, fighting for every moment, to suck every last blink of awareness out of the "day."
   And I feel the battle in its physical manifestation as my body, tired out from being awake longer than it should, shows signs of fatigue in the tremors and weaknesses that threaten to overtake me when my energy flags even a little. My mind too screams out in anger and frustration at these weaknesses... even as it is being ravaged by this war as well - with memories slipping away that were once clear and bright, and fear of mistakes tinging the edges of once simple decisions and choices.
   There is no doubt that age is playing a part in this battle, of course. But it is an old fight and not one that age has been a key player. No, it is the Self, the carnal desire to just BE and at the same time to be IN control of something which none of us CAN control. It seems that where I have tried my best to control my environment and failed because it is beyond my - our - control, I have instead turned my efforts subconsciously toward controlling that which one would expect to have complete control - myself.
   However, instead, I have found that the only thing about my SELF which I can truly control is how I AM. It is no small point of frustration to have realized that this struggle that goes on between my wakeful and resting self is no more within my power to conquer than if I tried to grow an extra head or arm or such. I am simply wasting my time.
   And yet I continue to try. Here I lay, struggling make my body sleep instead of  staying awake. And I am powerless in this, too.  So I wait as always, for sleep to overtake ME. For my body to lose the battle once more and quietly fall asleep.  Wish me luck, again. And I will perhaps see you in my dreams.